the classic crime.

for a few days now i've been waiting for the urge to blog, and it came on heavy today. i often sit here, staring at the screen, trying to think of the best words to write, something insightful and profound, something that will bless the soul that the eyes who read this belongs to, but i've come to realize that i want something in my life to be for me. (not to be confused with always about me). so that's what this blog has become, maybe selfishly, but it has. and if my words somehow bless people along the way, fine.

so most of my thoughts today were provoked by the lyrics of a song by the classic crime. 

"i know it hurts so bad just trying to please the ones you hate to love."

after a long 6 years of trial, pain, chaos, and deception, my sister emancipated herself last week. she up and left to arizona on a whim. on a plane, probably never to return again. she didn't say goodbye. i guess she didn't feel like she had to. we couldn't please her. 

for as long as i can remember, i've been praying for her and my dad both, and after she got home from her year-long correctional/boarding school in may, it seemed like there was hope for our family; it seemed like she had changed. i hate being wrong. maybe that's prideful of me, but i hate it. and i'm angry, because i feel like now should be the time that i'm absorbing everything i felt and learned and witnessed and experienced in Africa...but i can't. everything in me is forced to focus on this, on her, on my family's well-being. but i've been doing that for as long as i can remember, and now my heart has just grown cold and bitter and hostile because i don't want to anymore. 

and when i get a brief moment to myself, i think of my kids in africa, and i weep. i mean hardcore cry. warm and heavy tears flow from my face until the storm is over, and i quickly pick my thoughts up where they were left: on my sister. 

i would be falsely informing you if i said that it didn't hurt like hell to love someone who looked you in the eye, and lied to you blatantly and pathologically. someone who made your mom, who is the soul provider and lover and sacrificial being of your family, a complete and utter wreck. someone who followed every wrong crowd that has ever existed, choosing them over her own flesh and blood, even on holidays such as christmas. someone who cheats and steals and manipulates.

she is the classic criminal. and...

                  IT HURTS

   TO LOVE 

                                           SOMEONE LIKE THAT. 

but even as i write this, i feel this shaking in my soul, this knocking on my heart, a trembling in my core. and i know it's Jesus. he's always quick to remind me in the most humble and gentle ways possible that he is on our side. i've come to realize more and more that we're all the real criminals here, in our own different ways, when you think of it. me especially.

yet he loves us so.  

   HE STILL 

           LOVES 

THE PEOPLE IT HURTS TO LOVE. 

this love never ceases. never! that's so insane to me. he loves us relentlessly and is jealous for us. people like my sister and people like me are the ones he came to die for. and so i fall at his feet, shameful that i could be so hypocritical, embarrassed that i would even write these words, and maybe, in a sense, exploit my sister. but somehow, i think i really needed to get it out. somehow, i think i will find healing in this. 

i've also come to realize my sister jessica is my biggest inspiration behind what i do with Young Life. there are days when it gets old and monotonous and i get tired of spending my own money for gas and other things. i get weary. but God has called me to a ministry that was created for her. there are so many other teens out there like her, and they just need someone to remind them that there is still good in this world. that there is a love greater than the falsified "love" they've been chasing for years on end, greater than what the world has reduced love to. 

why i get to be a part of something so beautiful, i'll never know. i hope i can just remember that on those hard days...remember her. 

my biggest fear is that she won't come home. that she'll do something stupid out there, and die at a ripe, young age, and that i really will never get to say goodbye to such a free spirit... 

sometimes i do this thing where i open itunes, squeeze shut my eyes, place my fingers on the mouse of my laptop, and scroll for minutes on end until i feel the urge to stop and click. the song that i happen to click upon is almost always the perfect, most appropriate song for my current circumstance.

and so this song that i found today...or should i say, found me, is dedicated to my sister, jessica. it perfectly articulates what i would say to her if i had another chance. 

"a summer's drive away from dying:

a broken heart, nothing to lose

i know it hurts so bad just trying to please the ones you hate to love 

and i wrote this note about someone i used to know

so i remember how life can be so short

when you're left alone to wonder how it is when someone opens and shuts the door

and i know you're cold, but come home

it's a shame how short we all have come

 

you set your mind on cruise control

knuckles grip the wheel in fear to let it go

love is empty, love is cruel

love, it blindly breaks the rules

how could you have been a fool, it's something all of us go through

you choke back tears and swallow lies

but those wiper blades won't fix your eyes

count on having clouded vision for at least a little while

and i know you're cold

come home

it's a shame how short we all have come 

and i know you're cold

but come home

please don't face the headlights of the oncoming cars alone

we won't forget the past

say all the answers and i will let you go

i won't look back 

and i won't look back

say all the answers and i will let you go

i will let you go

i will let you go

please don't face the headlights of the oncoming cars alone."

...she's calling my cell phone right now...