red lights.

it's been a while. life seems to have gotten the best of me. and shouldn't it? but when this happens, we can either blog irrationally, or wait until we have a minute to breathe and sort out our thoughts in our favorite coffee shop. i've chosen the latter of the two.

last night, my soul felt a sense of urgency. i had driven down from school, stopped at my mom's for dinner, (which i scarfed down in 20 minutes) and returned to the road, headed for church.

my sun roof was open wide, and i kept stretching my free arm (the one not controlling the steering wheel) up toward the sky, feeling the currents of air flowing through my fingers like water; it was as if God was reminding me

"I'm here..."

i did something i never do...

i turned off my music. 
and just listened. 

for what, i don't know, 
but the silence was deafening. 

already late, i ironically hit every red light there was on Metcalf Avenue; it was as if God was saying

"life is fleeting. 
what is your hurry?"

upon getting to church, finding my spot on the carpet, and asking God to distract me from myself, i learned that a brother in Christ and worship leader of the church lost his father to suicide the night before. my eyes swelled with tears, and i found myself on my knees, forehead to carpet, praying more intentionally than i have in a long time. it may sound odd and somewhat selfish, but i hurt on his behalf.

i'm not sure if intercession is one of the things i've been gifted, but frick... it feels like it sometimes. 

it feels like a tug on my heart.
it feels like a longing i cannot fullfill. 
it feels like a beckoning to awaken and see with His eyes.

it feels like something outside of myself.

so in putting myself aside, these words i sang last night go out to this young man and his family. even as an intercessor, there is no way i could ever fully understand. it's humbling beyond belief.
see, i think i was numb for a long time. 

but it feels good to feel again.
the red lights give us a chance to stop and feel. 

"if you weren't with me now
i'd be gone, i'd be far...
& i'll lift my hands and worship you
because you've been my
& i'll stand & sing of your faithfulness
because you've been my 
though the righteous fall and the world fades away
to be my life in death"

"& i will stand in the 
& sing of your
cause you 
you've been more than my friend,
you've been my 


Becky said...

dang, suzy. that's beautiful!

Anonymous said...

john shirley came to the veritas retreat down at the lake & lead worship. rad dude.

this is jeff, silly.